Do you like me?

Recently something weird happened…at a client location the feedback given on my work and approach was exact opposite of what I have got in my whole career so far. My analyst mind obviously realized that this is an exception and hence should be treated as one – after all a 24 hour journey from Bangalore to California couldn’t have changed my personality or work ethics. But that rational thought got buried beneath the loads of misery I felt after receiving that feedback. So much so that I started doubting my own capabilities! Thank God that I have friends who care so much for me – they spent lot of time over phone with me convincing me of my strengths and reminding me of what and how much I have achieved in life (professionally and personally). Their faith in me kept me going and today atleast me and my superboss think that we are doing well on the project. This whole episode has left me wondering – why does my self esteem stem from someone else’s opinion?

When I got negative feedback, I started thinking I am useless and when people reminded me how good I am I started feeling better! Where is my own judgment of my capabilities…rather where is my belief in them? And more I thought about it, more I realized that what others think of me and what others perceive me as is exceptionally important for me. This realization when viewed in light of the rational perspective, which it seems I reserve for others, scares me – I know that my self worth and self esteem should be a sum of my successes in professional life, love of the people I care for and smiles that I bring to peoples’ faces. I know the fact but I don’t believe in it. Why? I don’t have an answer…and that’s troubling me even me more than the actual issue.

My actions till date have been governed by what others would think of me– if I study well teachers will love me, if I help at home my parents will like it, if I share my notes my classmates would want me around, if I work hard my bosses will appreciate me, if I help colleagues they will be grateful…I have been very selfish all along…I didn’t do it because I wanted to help someone in need or because it would make me a better individual…no my motivation stemmed only from what others would think of me. Doesn’t mean that I am a much liked person – I have rubbed many a people in the wrong way as well (let’s save that for a later date)

Now don’t get me wrong here- it’s not that everything I did was because I wanted people to like me…I did quite a few because of fear of God, fear of what it would add to my already loaded Karma, fear of not doing well in my career…some places the motivation was positive as well – if I study well I will get good grades and I will get into a good grad school and I will get a good job and so on and so forth. But all along the primary driver or the FIRST thought was what he/she will think of me.

I know everyone likes being appreciated but I, I thrive on it. I know it’s wrong, I know my intrinsic worth will not diminish or enhance based on someone’s rejection or appreciation of it. All the same I am always looking for endorsements. I guess things would be fine if I had stop at that…but no, I feel miserable when I don’t get them…and as I have already mentioned before, I need to understand - Why? Guess accepting the problem is a good start in itself, am hopeful that some day I will have the answer and solution as well.