The Jump

Somewhere during the second week when I was in California, someone in office mentioned that she had done skydiving couple of times and that its loads of fun. Ever since I didn’t want to leave the west coast without experiencing it once. The plan however didn’t work out and I was quite sad that my dream of soaring in air may never come true again. Yes…I have often dreamt of flying…just like a bird. It may have a different interpretation if you were to ask a professional but to me it definitely meant that I shall do something like hang gliding. Sky diving I had realistically kept out of the wish list as I didn’t know where in India I could do one without certainty of an accident. So when I got to know that I can jump out of a plane just couple of hours by road from where I was staying I simply couldn’t resist myself.

I tried and tried and tried but in vain as something or the other didn’t let the plan formalize. So here I was - whining and moping and suddenly just 4 days before departure, almost like a miracle, everything worked out and I got me a reservation for a Tandem Sky dive. Till the night before the scheduled event, I was quite excited about the jump…but as the day settled and evening turned into night I started to feel a bit uneasy and by next day morning (a couple of hours before the scheduled time) I was positively queasy, so much so, that I decided to skip breakfast lest I throw up in the air!

Once we reached the venue Vanita also decided to join in the fun (?) and enrolled for the dive. While she enrolled, I committed a big mistake, I asked for a sample video so that I can decide whether I want one for MY jump. And that was it - the video captured the heights, expression on first-time diver’s faces and now suddenly I felt sick to the stomach. But since money was paid-up (a good amount) I didn’t want to waste it. Video had a similar effect on Vanita and so while we waited for our turn (there was some delay due to clouds) we tried to figure out as to what made us sign-up for a jump from a height of 10,000 ft. Guess the wait (coupled with a blueberry muffin) helped settle my stomach and I was impatient to get into the gear and board the tiny propeller plane.

Finally the moment arrived - we were given 30 second training on the pose we would need to maintain, then harnessed into the gear by our respective instructors. Respective?...guess I forgot to mention that Tandem Sky Dive means diving along with a licensed instructor. He has the chute on his back and you have him on yours! Once the gear was on and adjusted and then readjusted, we boarded the plane…what a plane it was…had only one seat for pilot. Four of us sat on the floor - Pete & Vanita and Jim & me. No seats, no seatbelts and no door…wow! As we started to taxi on the runway, whatever little fear I had vanished. The climb felt awesome – we could see the buildings getting smaller, cars becoming tinier and people vanishing from the view. After a few minutes we were amidst the clouds and could see Pacific Ocean on one side. The moment was very near and while Jim was pulling and tugging and tying the two harnesses together, I felt fear creeping into my stomach again. But that moment didn’t last long as while we were getting done Vanita and Pete jumped out of the plane. Then Jim said, “It’s our turn now”. And before I could finish putting my head and arms and legs in place as instructed, we were air borne. Yes I felt some sort of strange fear when I fell out of the plane (fell? Jim just pushed us out even before I could realize what happened) but that was for just a split-second. The thrill of diving into the sky overwhelmed every other emotion and feeling. I didn’t want the free fall to end…it felt awesome…I finally was flying without any mechanical / electrical support. It was great…a thousand times better than I had imagined it to be. Alas, the chute was opened and my reverie was broken. But even that had its charm…caught between earth and sky and conversing with a very handsome young man – well such moments are to be enjoyed and cherished forever! We glided along for a while; Jim also did some tricks with the chute and got us a 360 degree view. And finally it was time to land and about 10 min after we dived out, we were back on the terra-firma.

It was an experience, I would love to relive again and again and again. Yes…I am hooked and when circumstances permit, I will get myself a sky-diving license. Am sure its going to be even more exciting to do it alone (or may be not…Jim is really hot ;-) )

My Tattoo

I have always found tattoos, especially on women, extremely fascinating because of the unique statement they make – they represent in some way lack of class (I mean no blue blood person would ever imagine getting one) and at the same time possess a charm because of the bindaas lifestyle they represent. And so, I had always dreamt of having one tiny tattoo somewhere on my back. And a dream it would have remained had I not made a trip to Hollywood that fateful 28th day of April.

It was a Friday and Henry (my colleague) decided that we must visit Hollywood for couple of hours that evening. As we came out of the parking, the first thing we saw was this Tattoo shop. I had never seen a tattoo shop before so out of curiosity I walked in and was mesmerized by all the designs displayed all over the walls. There were a few clients lounging around as it was perfectly normal to be there. I enquired about the procedure and cost, but chickened out even before I could consider getting one.

We spent our time watching Emmy’s in the Kodak theatre opposite the shop and in those two hours somewhere I went crazy wondering how it would feel to have a tattoo. Finally with lot of courage I walked back into the shop and paid up the money almost without thinking (I was too scared to think!) I had always imagined a tiny red heart as the tattoo I would have…and so we (me, Henry and his wife) started looking for one. But first we found small too small, then only a heart too boring…so by the time we settled for a design it was 1.5 inches in height and 6 inches in width – a nice sized heart with a design on either side (am thankful that the colour of the heart didn’t undergo a change!)

Finally I landed up on the “hot” seat - almost white with fear of pain I was about to experience. First time I realized what it means to forget to breathe…I almost did. So exaggerated was my fear that when he actually started the procedure I said, in a disappointed tone, “Its OK!” Yes it wasn’t that painful as I had imagined it to be. But worse was yet to come – when he applied saline water to clean the area - now THAT was the real pain.

Next 30 min were more restless than painful – I couldn’t move lest I spoil the design and I couldn’t see what was happening (yes the place also stayed same – my back). After 30 min of sitting in one position, grinding my teeth at every application of saline water (and trust me there were quite a few) he tells me to wear something low waisted for next few days. NOW? Now he tells me? I hadn’t carried a single low waisted garment with me to California.

It took close to 2 weeks to heal but its been done beautifully, I love it and I guess it was worth the money and the pain.

Do you like me?

Recently something weird happened…at a client location the feedback given on my work and approach was exact opposite of what I have got in my whole career so far. My analyst mind obviously realized that this is an exception and hence should be treated as one – after all a 24 hour journey from Bangalore to California couldn’t have changed my personality or work ethics. But that rational thought got buried beneath the loads of misery I felt after receiving that feedback. So much so that I started doubting my own capabilities! Thank God that I have friends who care so much for me – they spent lot of time over phone with me convincing me of my strengths and reminding me of what and how much I have achieved in life (professionally and personally). Their faith in me kept me going and today atleast me and my superboss think that we are doing well on the project. This whole episode has left me wondering – why does my self esteem stem from someone else’s opinion?

When I got negative feedback, I started thinking I am useless and when people reminded me how good I am I started feeling better! Where is my own judgment of my capabilities…rather where is my belief in them? And more I thought about it, more I realized that what others think of me and what others perceive me as is exceptionally important for me. This realization when viewed in light of the rational perspective, which it seems I reserve for others, scares me – I know that my self worth and self esteem should be a sum of my successes in professional life, love of the people I care for and smiles that I bring to peoples’ faces. I know the fact but I don’t believe in it. Why? I don’t have an answer…and that’s troubling me even me more than the actual issue.

My actions till date have been governed by what others would think of me– if I study well teachers will love me, if I help at home my parents will like it, if I share my notes my classmates would want me around, if I work hard my bosses will appreciate me, if I help colleagues they will be grateful…I have been very selfish all along…I didn’t do it because I wanted to help someone in need or because it would make me a better individual…no my motivation stemmed only from what others would think of me. Doesn’t mean that I am a much liked person – I have rubbed many a people in the wrong way as well (let’s save that for a later date)

Now don’t get me wrong here- it’s not that everything I did was because I wanted people to like me…I did quite a few because of fear of God, fear of what it would add to my already loaded Karma, fear of not doing well in my career…some places the motivation was positive as well – if I study well I will get good grades and I will get into a good grad school and I will get a good job and so on and so forth. But all along the primary driver or the FIRST thought was what he/she will think of me.

I know everyone likes being appreciated but I, I thrive on it. I know it’s wrong, I know my intrinsic worth will not diminish or enhance based on someone’s rejection or appreciation of it. All the same I am always looking for endorsements. I guess things would be fine if I had stop at that…but no, I feel miserable when I don’t get them…and as I have already mentioned before, I need to understand - Why? Guess accepting the problem is a good start in itself, am hopeful that some day I will have the answer and solution as well.

Is the grass really green – any side?

We have all heard our versions of the fact that no one is completely happy…but it still doesn’t stop us from being jealous when we see someone stepping out of his Benz, when we see a handsome hunk on her arm, when we see someone having a great time with family…most of us wonder …he is so happy…why cant I be so? To be honest…I am consistently thinking along these lines – she has an awesome figure, he has wonderful family, they have amazing kids, she has achieved such fast career growth – and keep wondering why I can’t I have that life. So when I got in touch with a friend recently from my post grad days I thought now I will have more things that I think I have missed. Little did I know that I will come back with a completely different perspective.

Let me give you a brief background on her – she is married to a good looking guy, has 2 kids (a daughter & a son), lives in a million dollar house, drives a BMW and has a very secure job – a script fit for a modern-day fairy tale! Wait, here is other side of the coin – she has to cook, look after 2 kids, manage house alone as her husband travels 4 days a week and all this while having a full time job. She has no personal life, she can’t do what she wants, can’t even go out alone as hubby dear doesn’t like to be left alone with kids. He dictates pretty much everything – what she should wear, where she should go, what jobs she should apply for and so on…

So here I was dreading a visit to her place – lest the list of things I feel miserable about gets longer and there she was all green-eyed because I am leading a "free" lifestyle - free of husband, free of kids, free of house mortgage and doing whatever I feel like without having to answer anyone. This visit gave me a completely fresh thing to feel miserable about – is anyone really happy? No..no…I am too selfish to think along those lines – real issue is if no one is really happy…then what are my chances of feeling so?

And while I was writing this post…someone I was on chat with asked me why I don’t look happy in my pictures, why do my posts exude sadness? And my answer was “Happiness is subjective and relative.” (I know someone who will retort – “Peace is absolute…strive for that instead”. Guess I will reserve that conversation for some other time). I know its an old adage but for the first time I believe that it is true - a revelation that I am sure will bring about a big change in my life.

Yes happiness is relative…I was feeling very lonely and sad on Friday…wondering what am I doing here alone in this foreign land…and Sunday night when someone asked me when I am heading back home, I didn’t give my usual response (which was “hope that I will be back soon”). I suddenly wasn’t feeling sad or lonely – I was feeling good that I can afford to live my life the way I want - be away from home, spend $250 on air ticket alone to meet someone for just 2 days, sit at the bar as long as I want, roam around the malls and buy what I want….the list is endless. The fact, that it needed someone else’s perspective to put my "so called" loneliness in this light, makes me say that Happiness is subjective and relative.I sincerely wish that a day will come when we will learn to view our lives from an angle that will make grass green this side of the fence too - Amen!

Feminism Redefined

What’s Feminism? This question has been troubling me since my San Diego trip last weekend. I had 2 couples and their kids for company. Both couples have a few things in common – the husbands work for my company, are in US on an International Rotation and wives are managing the kid (one is 12 months and other is just about 6 months old). But the similarity ends here. This question has its origin in the comment made by one of the two non-working mothers. I was carrying the baby of other couple claiming that it will be good for my biceps…which obviously got me the response from this lady that women need curves, not muscles. I responded that I need to protect myself as now-a-days most husbands cant even run 100 meters without panting. She said…well husbands are not needed for protection, you can buy protection - husbands are needed for their ATM cards! And this coming from a well educated post graduate woman who has held a job in the past!

It made me wonder – whether our feminism has brought us back full circle where we realize that in order to be “equal” to men, we gave up lot of our comforts – designated seats in bus, doors held open, chairs pulled out for seating and so on. I couldn’t stop thinking – isn’t she so smart? She doesn’t have to fight battles at work to prove that she is as good as most men, she doesn’t have to bear the sneers of male drivers on road, doesn’t have to worry who will take care of the baby, can take an afternoon nap and above all be patted on the back for being such a sacrificing wife, mother and daughter-in-law!

You may argue that if its feminism then it must have existed a hundred years back as well because there isn’t enough difference between this lady’s and our greatgrandmothers’ lives. And that’s where I guess I tend to disagree, today’s wife has say in everything – brand of refrigerator, size of the TV screen, clothes he wears, solitaire that she wants, friends that he can have, time he can spend outside home, car that should be bought…the list is endless! Yes…this is the height of feminism – her own life at her own terms maintained by the poor unsuspecting “Man”. Kudos to the new age “housewives”!!!