whodunnit

I have been asked this question innumerable times by dozens of people in the last couple of years. I am standing, for some time now, at cross-roads and am unable to decide which path to tread. Why?...because I dont know what I want. All my life, driven by logic, driven by clear needs and wants and suddenly I am not sure what I want! I have not experienced anything like this before...I have not felt indecisiveness like this before. I may have taken time to arrive at the decisions but never this long...

When I started writing this post (in apr 2008), the words above truly reflected the dilemma I was going through. Today, some things have changed and I have decided which path to follow. But its not because I took a decision or because I chose that path, the way things eventually evolved, the choice was made for me by the circumstances. So in fact, the question still is, why couldn't I decide? May be the question is framed wrong...may be the question is why didn't I want to decide? Yes...that's the correct one. I knew all along what decision I would make, if I had to...what option will I choose, if I had to...and I just didnt't have courage to accept my own decision.

Today, when the choice has been made for me by circumstances, I wonder why I waited so long..why did I let someone chose for me. Come to think of it, I actually did make a decision...a decision that I dont want to carry the burden of a wrong choice, a decision that I dont want to wonder for rest of my life if I picked the right path. I guess, in the end, it still was me who chose for me :)

who cares

Whole of India was glued to television sets when Mumbai was under attack. We all were expressing anger and anguish at the happenings and how government hasn't been effective in using intelligence to counter terrorism. We all were disturbed, scared, worried about our friends and family in Mumbai. But it took one question from my American colleague to realise that none of us truly cared what happened. Some of us were on way to Chennai just 3 days after the siege ended, on an official trip and my American colleague questioned how come it was business as usual for most of us. The larger world related these Mumbai attacks to 9/11 of US and was surprised at the response of rest of India.

Yes, Mumbai did close down for those 3 days and yes crores were lost due to lack of business. But what about all of us? How many of us were truly concerned? Did any of us lose any sleep? Did we not attend the weekend party? Did we not have our planned offsites? Yes, we didn't go out to shop or to watch movie but it was more out of fear for our own lives than for anything else. For the citizens of a terror stricken country, we were fairly apathetic. After we found out that no one we knew was impacted, we went on with our lives.

I did respond to my American colleague that "may be we are more resilient", but I couldn't hep but wonder if that's the real truth!

Fighting "It"

I just had an arguement with someone I care for because I felt that she was not fighting "it". In the end, I ended up wondering if I myself am doing so! I guess not...I refuse to think about it...I refuse to discuss it (even with my mom who, I know, really wants to know whats going in my mind). Am I truly fighting it?

If I were, I would not be drowning myself in those tall and slim glasses of bubbly. If I were, I would be able to listen to my favourite ghazals without shedding tears. If I were, I would be willing to answer, truthfully, to the questions I am so scared to. I guess I am not fighting it...I am hoping that if I close my eyes long enough, I will wake up and realise that it was just a nightmare!

But I know that its not a nightmare, I know that nothing will be same again, I know when I open my eyes...it will be a different world and I am not still not fighting it! May be its one of those times when you realise what it means to be the proverbial sparrow who shuts its eyes on seeing a cat.