Meditating with open eyes

In Nov 2017, exactly 8 years after the first one, I went for the second 10-day Vipassana course. While I hadn't  been practicing the technique regularly, I would occasionally meditate and felt that I need to revisit the instructions. Hence I decided to do the complete course again.

This time, however, I did some research on the Dhamma centers in India as my first experience wasn't great in terms of hygiene. The course itself is quite tough and I wanted to eliminate all possible factors that might come in the way of completing it. Given the dates I wanted and the kind of center I was looking for, Dhamma Pattana in Mumbai (next to Esselworld) was chosen, online application was filled and tickets were booked (post course registrar's confirmation).

When I landed at the center, I was quite impressed with the formal processes for everything - room allocation to laundry tokens to notice boards. This center caters to executives and hence has air conditioned rooms (single occupancy) and air conditioned meditation hall.  There are a/c meditation cells as well.

Having done the course once, I knew what to expect in terms of daily schedule, code of discipline and food restrictions (second timers don't get to eat anything after lunch which itself is served at 11:00 am). As a first timer, I was overwhelmed by the the whole thing (back in 2009) but this time around, I was calm and collected.

However, that calm didn't last long when women were informed that we can't enter the meditation hall without a stole or dupatta - because there will be men there! I was aghast - imagine a dimly lit huge hall - women occupying one half & men other and all facing the teacher of their respective gender. In this situation where we are not even looking at each other, when we all are in loose comfortable clothes (meditating 12 hours requires that), I was told that I might be a distraction to the men in the hall!!!! This came as a shock....honestly this didn't feel any different from blaming a woman for getting molested.

I hadn't carried a dupatta with me, so I was forced to take one from the pile there but I didn't wear it even once during the 10 days.

The fixed bed - besheets & pillow covers were provided

The routine began and I immersed myself into it, it was very easy this time - I had a whole room to myself - the room had enough space for me to even do my stretches during breaks. The bathroom was clean. For the 10 days, students were supposed to clean their rooms themselves which wasn't a big deal anyway.

Small yet clean toilet/ bathroom

Lots of empty space, carry a mat & one can even do yoga

This is the daily schedule for 10 day course:

4:00 am	Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am	Meditate in the hall or in your cell
6:30-8:00 am	Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am	Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am	Meditate in the hall or in your cell according to the teacher's instructions
11:00 am-12:00	Lunch break
12:00-1:00 pm	Rest and interviews with the teacher (if needed)
1:00-2:30 pm	Meditate in the hall or in your cell
2:30-3:30 pm	Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm	Meditate in the hall or in your own cell according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm	Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm	Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm	Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm	Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm	Question time in the hall (if you have questions)
9:30 pm	Retire to the room

The food at this center was like a vegetarian feast - both in terms of variety and quality...I think I ate more than I needed to...especially because I was starving after the 19.5 hours fast from 11 am to 6:30 am next day.

The laundry system too was great - we were given two tokens - dirty clothes were tied with the thread (carrying the token) and left on one counter at breakfast time, they would come back next day washed & ironed at cost of INR 10 per garment (again at breakfast time). You could use the second token to hand over next set and collect previous set. One doesn't need to carry more than 3 sets of clothes here. I had carried more as in 2009 the center I had gone to didn't have such arrangements. However, inner-wear, needed to be washed in the room at this center also - hardly an issue.

In terms of facilities and food and processes, the place really outdid itself for a meditation center. The teacher was also superior in her knowledge of the technique and guided the students very well. Overall in terms of relearning the technique in a comfortable environment, I had really won a lottery. And here comes the "but"...but there were some things that bothered me and apparently I had missed those the first time around.

One, starting with insistence on women wearing dupatta, to only male teacher making announcements in the hall, to only male servers handling audio-visual equipment - it was evident that even Vipassana doesn't consider the two genders as equals.

Two, while Vipassana condemns idol worship, there are two empty chairs placed in the meditation hall as a symbol of presence of Late. S.N. Goenka & his wife. And we are supposed to show the same respect to the empty chairs as we would have if the teacher was alive. To me it didn't feel dissimilar to clay idols in temples. Infact, if after hours of meditation on floor, one wants to stretch their legs, the feet shouldn't face the direction of these chairs!

Three, for some health reasons (was running fever) I wanted to leave on the evening of 10th day (as against the morning of 11th day). Having done the course once already and also having bought the daily discourse DVDs first time around...I was hoping that this small exception could be made. But just the way other religions are adamant about their rituals...I was made to sit and listen to two discourses back to back (3 hours in total) while I was running fever! Only after that was I allowed to leave the center.  This was really ironic...given all discourses ask for giving up the meaningless rituals!

In totality, I am glad that I did the course again...my knowledge of technique definitely improved and am more regular in my practice of it now. The second time also helped me realise that no system is beyond reproach and there are definitely some flaws in the system that is working on spreading this great technique. After first time, I was so enamored by the technique that I had overlooked the other things and I had started believing that Vipassana was the only meditation that mattered.

While I still feel that it is a superior technique, I don't believe (any more) that it is the only one or that it is prefect. Having said that, this is the only one I have learnt, so guess I am going to have to stick to it :)

When enough is Enough!

When do we know its time to cut our losses and move on? How do we realize that its going to be more painful to stay in a relationship than moving on? What makes us see that the career/job we spent years in is actually not making us happy?

And when this realization does dawn upon us that its just fear that's keeping us in a job or relationship or lifestyle, how do we know for sure that this is true enlightenment and not just another emotion that's making us run away from what/who we probably love?

I am at that stage in my life where I have been pondering on these questions for sometime now and while I may have not found answers to any of these above, I have realized something during the thinking process. If something or someone makes you truly happy, you will never ask such questions to your self. The very fact that these questions come up is because there is something that, at a very basic level, needs to be changed.

Now that change may mean just an alteration or it may mean a total paradigm shift. And that's something which is not easy to determine. One could argue that if we know where we are in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it would, at the very least, help determine where we want to go next. But it is not that easy.

For instance, how to determine the amount of savings you need before you can take a sabbatical? I believe I could have taken one 2 years back but I didn't feel secure enough at that time. And today I am seriously considering one. I don't believe my savings have gone up dramatically in last 2 years, in fact my spend surely has (have been travelling a lot) - so what has changed now?

What has changed is that I have finally realized that there is probably never a right time to make any big changes in your life especially if the change implies leaving or losing something /someone. We all like to hoard - clothes, money, relationships...you name it...and even if something is causing us discomfort we still like to hang on to it. So I need to work on giving up this habit of hoarding...focus on what's truly needed and I am sure that is when I will be truly happy!

I may not be happy...but I don't care :)

Recently I met a friend after a long gap. After the usual pleasantries, she asked me if I was happy. Now that is a question that I have been pondering on for a while myself. And while I have known the answer all along, it wasn't easy to admit that I wasn't.

Now don't get me wrong...I am not unhappy or sad. In fact, I am very grateful for what I have...a good career, a comfortable personal life, some minor health issues but nothing that can't be managed. The question, then, is why is happiness eluding me?

I am a very logical person or let’s say that I believe that I am a very logical and analytical person. So it’s not surprising I tried to approach this question logically. I looked at my professional life, my personal life, my health and I found that while nothing was 100% perfect, there was nothing dramatically wrong with any of the elements. I am considered successful, I have love of my near & dear ones and my fitness levels are definitely above average. With the current values of these independent variables, my happiness quotient should be high but it isn't!

And then, out of the blue, it struck me that happiness is not found in career or relationships or completing crazy workout programs. It's to be found in the small moments, like when you get an unexpected call/text from a loved one; or when your favourite song is on air; or when you fit into the jeans that has been sitting in your closet for years; or when someone compliments you out of the blue; or when a long lost friend reaches out to you...the list is endless. Happiness is not something that is a permanent state of mind. It's to be found in these moments...if we were always in a state of happiness, we would never appreciate the feeling...probably might even get bored of it.

So yes, I may not be happy right now...doesn't mean I won't be happy next minute. In fact, something happened just as I was typing this post, which brought a smile to my face :)

Misery and Liberation

I recently had an unparalleled experience of attending a 10 day meditation course, just outside Bangalore. When I signed up for same, I received a code of discipline that a student is expected to follow which besides things like "no killing, no stealing, no lies" had a requirement of silence - that is the students of the course will remain silent for the duration of the course except for the Q&A allowed with the teacher and any complaints that one may have with respect to facility or food. I thought that this will be the toughest condition to meet and after a lot of courage confirmed my attendance and landed there.

Well...to be honest, silence wasn’t an issue at all because there were bigger, tougher things. For one, getting up at 4 AM everyday...Two, 11 hours of meditation in a day...three, only 5-6 hours of sleep in the day. To top it meditation technique doesn’t really work if you take pain killers as they break connection between mind and body. So here I was, in pain and agony of body and mind. Body - because you have to sit on floor and meditate...have you ever tried sitting for one hour without back support doing nothing but watching breath? Try it and you will understand!

Mind...because your mind doesn’t want to be tamed - between 2nd and 6th day, every day I wanted to run away but I couldn’t because I had signed a written consent to stay within 4 walls of the centre. I think I forgot to tell you about this condition - for 10 days students cannot have any contact with outside world - no phone, e-mail or even newspaper. Forget newspaper, no ipod, not even pen and paper for one to capture her thoughts. Nothing...absolutely nothing else to do. Speak you anyway can’t - so meditate, eat or rest. But there was limit on eating as well - you don’t get dinner because then you won’t be able to get up at 4 AM and meditate. As for rest, the schedule allowed for max 6 hours of sleep.

All in all I would say it was a boot camp - brutal and unreal. But once I am back, I realize how important the whole atmosphere was for us to learn the technique. The technique can't be taught in a day…yes one can receive instructions in a day but one can’t understand them all in a day because one has to practice to understand. That was the focus of the course - practice and experience.

I won’t get into details of technique because there is a reason it’s taught over 10 days and is learnt with practice (that’s why 11 hours of meditation a day). But what I can share is that it is non-sectarian, doesn’t talk about God or Soul, doesn’t ask for rites and rituals, doesn’t require or rather allow words like Om or figures or shapes to be used in meditation. It’s very logical and actually draws lot of parallels from science. The technique is focused on teaching our mind to avoid strong positive or negative reactions like craving or hatred. Once the mind stops craving or hating things, one becomes less miserable. Ofcourse one has to practice it every day to achieve results.

One may ask, what made me go for this course? I wanted to find a way to be happy and I realized that no amount of perfumes and shoes will do the job. So went to this course to get rid of my misery and landed into one of another kind (no sleep, no coffee, discourses by teacher and 11 hours of hard work). All these 10 days I was certain that the place wasn’t great and course was too harsh and I was desperate to get back to my so called normal life. Infact last night at the centre, the thought that next night I will sleep in my own comfortable bed and will wake up when I want to made me deliriously happy (so sleep deprived was I!) On 11th day, as I cheerily said good-byes and left for home, I had no idea that I would feel exactly opposite the next day. Yes, I did feel miserable when I was there and assumed that luxuries of life and extra hours of sleep will make me feel better…but I was wrong. I didn’t realize that I was actually walking back into a life full of misery. No denying that those days were tough and there were numerous times when I didn’t want to be there, but those were also the days when I learnt that there is a way out of the real misery that awaited me beyond the gates of the centre.

I am glad I took the plunge and completed the course. I will definitely go back for another course to work more on the technique I learnt. In summary, those tough 10 days have shown me a path that will liberate me from my misery and I intend to follow that for the rest of my life!

whodunnit

I have been asked this question innumerable times by dozens of people in the last couple of years. I am standing, for some time now, at cross-roads and am unable to decide which path to tread. Why?...because I dont know what I want. All my life, driven by logic, driven by clear needs and wants and suddenly I am not sure what I want! I have not experienced anything like this before...I have not felt indecisiveness like this before. I may have taken time to arrive at the decisions but never this long...

When I started writing this post (in apr 2008), the words above truly reflected the dilemma I was going through. Today, some things have changed and I have decided which path to follow. But its not because I took a decision or because I chose that path, the way things eventually evolved, the choice was made for me by the circumstances. So in fact, the question still is, why couldn't I decide? May be the question is framed wrong...may be the question is why didn't I want to decide? Yes...that's the correct one. I knew all along what decision I would make, if I had to...what option will I choose, if I had to...and I just didnt't have courage to accept my own decision.

Today, when the choice has been made for me by circumstances, I wonder why I waited so long..why did I let someone chose for me. Come to think of it, I actually did make a decision...a decision that I dont want to carry the burden of a wrong choice, a decision that I dont want to wonder for rest of my life if I picked the right path. I guess, in the end, it still was me who chose for me :)

who cares

Whole of India was glued to television sets when Mumbai was under attack. We all were expressing anger and anguish at the happenings and how government hasn't been effective in using intelligence to counter terrorism. We all were disturbed, scared, worried about our friends and family in Mumbai. But it took one question from my American colleague to realise that none of us truly cared what happened. Some of us were on way to Chennai just 3 days after the siege ended, on an official trip and my American colleague questioned how come it was business as usual for most of us. The larger world related these Mumbai attacks to 9/11 of US and was surprised at the response of rest of India.

Yes, Mumbai did close down for those 3 days and yes crores were lost due to lack of business. But what about all of us? How many of us were truly concerned? Did any of us lose any sleep? Did we not attend the weekend party? Did we not have our planned offsites? Yes, we didn't go out to shop or to watch movie but it was more out of fear for our own lives than for anything else. For the citizens of a terror stricken country, we were fairly apathetic. After we found out that no one we knew was impacted, we went on with our lives.

I did respond to my American colleague that "may be we are more resilient", but I couldn't hep but wonder if that's the real truth!

Fighting "It"

I just had an arguement with someone I care for because I felt that she was not fighting "it". In the end, I ended up wondering if I myself am doing so! I guess not...I refuse to think about it...I refuse to discuss it (even with my mom who, I know, really wants to know whats going in my mind). Am I truly fighting it?

If I were, I would not be drowning myself in those tall and slim glasses of bubbly. If I were, I would be able to listen to my favourite ghazals without shedding tears. If I were, I would be willing to answer, truthfully, to the questions I am so scared to. I guess I am not fighting it...I am hoping that if I close my eyes long enough, I will wake up and realise that it was just a nightmare!

But I know that its not a nightmare, I know that nothing will be same again, I know when I open my eyes...it will be a different world and I am not still not fighting it! May be its one of those times when you realise what it means to be the proverbial sparrow who shuts its eyes on seeing a cat.